6 Dysfunctional Family Roles. Are you one of them?

In this post, you will identify 6 dysfunctional family roles, and you will learn if you resonate with any of them. This is an educational post for self-awareness only.

1-The Golden Child

The Golden child is a favorite child in the dysfunctional family, it’s that sibling who is constantly adored and praised. It’s that sibling who gets compliments, enablement, and positive projections from an emotionally immature or narcissistic parent. Because of the dysfunction in the family, having this role can bring comparisons between siblings. For example, when a parent says “Why can`t you be more like your brother? Your sister is so well behaved why can’t you just be like her?”. I also want to add that when there is not a golden child in the family, the abusive parent usually finds a golden child outside the family system such as neighbors, someone at church, a relative, or a friend`s child.

2-The Enabler

The Enabler is the sibling in the dysfunctional family who “sugarcoats” an abusive or emotionally immature parent. For example, when your mom shows up drunk at Thanksgiving cursing everyone at the table and ends up ruining the night, one of your siblings (or even the other parent) comes to you and says “But she`s your mom, she didn`t mean it, just let that go, you`re being too difficult, she raised us we have to be grateful”. There is no consequence or accountability. The enabler does not hold the other person accountable for their toxic behaviors. The same applies when a parent enables addiction in the family as well as destructive behavior from a child or a partner.

3-The Mascot

From what I observed, this person usually is the youngest in the family (of course, this is not a general rule). This sibling masks the dysfunction in the family by cracking jokes and being the funny one. This person is the center of attention by distracting the family with humor, but behind this behavior, it hides a message “There are many elephants in the room that we are not seeing but let me keep hiding them”. Have you heard that humor is also a defense mechanism? Yeah, it can really help us shift our mood, so we don’t take things personally, it is awesome! But, when in excess it can be a protective mechanism that does not allow us to see and face reality and deal with our emotions. For example, when you try to have a serious conversation with your sibling, they will joke and laugh and it is frustrating.

4-The Hero

This person is the one who wants to be seen by their performances, so they tend to be perfectionists. This sibling also wants to save and rescue the other family members. For example, when a parent is absent or left the family, one of the older siblings might take the place of the absent father and will be a father figure for that young sibling, so he/she can feel good about themselves, “I am valuable only when I am doing something” or “family is everything”. The hero faces a lot of role reversals which could bring a dangerous unbalance in the family system.  Another example is when they become a surrogate spouse for a single parent, this child internalizes that they have to save mom by being her ally.  

5-The Lost Child

Do you have a sibling who is distant and withdrawn? Do you feel like you must be invisible to the family to avoid any sort of conflict? If so, there is a chance that you or your sibling might be a lost child. This role typically avoids any difficult conversation at any cost, they dissociate when dad is yelling and hide from fear. This is a survival mechanism that kept them safe all this time. The lost child might not have developed their sense of self, self-worth, or self-esteem therefore they became pleasers, avoidant and they are opposed to risk-taking due to the weight of trauma in this role. On the other hand, the lost child avoids been seeing because this is how they were “loved” growing up, for example, “If I am invisible, If I don`t bother mom or upset dad, then I'm seen by being unseen and I maybe I can be loved too”.

6-The Scapegoat

I completely understand how it feels to be scapegoated growing up. It brings a lot of internal confusion about who you are, and it is difficult to hear your intuition because you were labeled as “the wrong one”, “the rebel” or the “black sheep”. The rule breaker, the troublemaker, and the bad kid in the family characterize this role. This person is constantly blamed and criticized for everything that happens in the family. In reality, the scapegoats are mirrors of the abusive parents, they reflect on the negative projections of immature parents and siblings. This role shows and denounces the family dysfunction that nobody else can see and is afraid to see.

Conclusion

Finally, I just want to say that the opposite of dysfunction does not mean PERFECT. The opposite of dysfunctional means functional or healthy. Is every family dysfunctional? No. Should I expect my family to be perfect? No. We cannot be perfect, that’s a simple fact, we all have limitations and things to work on, but we can, and we must do the internal work so we can have functional and healthy relationships.

If you want structured sessions and professional help with healing childhood trauma, feel free to contact me for a 20-minute consultation call or book an appointment to see how I might be able to help you.