How to support a partner who experienced childhood abuse

Growing up with childhood abuse and neglect can cause emotional and psychological wounds. Supporting a partner who has been through childhood trauma can be a challenging process due to attachment issues and frequent triggers in the relationship. In this post, you will understand how to be there for your partner in a compassionate way.

Don`t take things personally

Triggers are often a cause of arguments and fights in a relationship, for example, the way your partner talks to you when they are angry or moody might activate your wounded inner child who feels scared, angry, disrespected, abandoned, or dismissed. It’s easy to fall into the trap and become angry, yell back, or shut down because you might feel responsible for your partner`s feelings. However, know that their behavior is not about you, they might be angry at themselves, they might be projecting a parent onto you, or they had a bad day at work. Either way, that anger is not directed at you, but it’s an internal conflict that they need to resolve within themselves. It’s not personal. Their anger does not belong to you. Their moodiness does not belong to you. Their behavior does not belong to you.

Be supportive

Being supportive means being there for them, being emotionally supportive by listening to them, eye contact, sitting next to them, holding their hand, and simply letting them know “I am here to listen, I am here for you”. There is a difference between being supportive and being enabling. Being enabling means giving excuses to your partner and pitying them. Compassion is the key here. Let them know how much you believe in them, that you believe in their recovery that they can do it. Being supportive is the opposite of being controlling. Being controlling means that you want your partner to do what you demand them to do, for example, demanding your partner to go to therapy, going to church, or socializing more. We can’t control people, what we can do is to be a companion in their journey and encourage them instead of changing them.

Self-care

Seeing your partner struggling with their mental health is extremely challenging. I often hear from people that they wish their partners would take better care of themselves. It is hard to watch your loved one suffer. However, it is still their choice, they are choosing to live the way they want. Some people eventually reach rock bottom so they can start changing but some don`t. Meanwhile, how can you take care of yourself emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally? How can you take care of your inner child when they feel sad that their partners are struggling? The only person you absolutely have control over is you. It is our job to do our own internal work and care for our vulnerable young part inside. When you take care of yourself, you are also helping others by helping yourself.

Educate yourself about childhood trauma

Learning about the effects of childhood trauma can help you identify the symptoms and how trauma impacts the body. There are many resources on the internet about adverse experiences in childhood, many articles on Google that educate the public and you can also find several educational videos on YouTube, this information is much more accessible nowadays. Also, there are books about childhood trauma such as The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk and Home Coming by John Bradshaw.

Conclusion

I hope this blog helped support your partner. I believe that we all have childhood trauma to a certain degree, and it is solely our responsibility to seek help and support to heal these wounds. You can provide support and a safe space for your partner, you can walk with your partner but you cannot walk for them.

If you want structured sessions and professional help with healing childhood trauma, feel free to contact me for a 20-minute consultation call or book an appointment to see how I might be able to help you.