How to set boundaries for your well-being when struggling with your parents.
As an adult, you start to develop new interests and a new path different from your parents. You find your individualization, and that’s good. However, it can be very challenging to deal with an immature parent when trying to be your own person and find your identity. Boundaries can help with that. Boundaries are healthy. Today, I am going to teach you how to set limits for your sanity when dealing with a dysfunctional parent.
First, what is a dysfunctional parent?
I want to simplify this, so here are some traits of a dysfunctional parent: lack of accountability (they can`t apologize, admit and repair their mistakes), role reversal (suddenly you become the parent and they are the child), high criticism (nothing is good enough), humiliation (this parent humiliates or embarrasses you in front of others), charismatic with others (but not when they are alone with you, they become a different person and you get the worst parts of them), victimization (it`s all about them), blaming, unbalanced boundaries (either too permissive or too authoritarian), explosive (cannot regulate their emotions as they yell, shut down and even turn to physical and verbal aggression), unpredictable behavior (you walk on eggshells), or substance use involved (alcoholism or other drugs).
Do not react, do not engage, and do not take it personally
Literally be a rock. What I mean by that is to not engage with their arguments, be still, observe what you are feeling, observe their behavior, and pretend you are a rock. It is not worth arguing back, their behavior will not change. Never. They will attempt to bring you into their drama to make you the villain of their story so they can be the victim (that’s what scapegoats are, they are like mirrors for their dysfunctional parents and siblings, and it’s easy to project into others the parts of ourselves that we don’t like). It is not loving to you to send an angry text to your immature dad just because your inner child wants to prove a point. Arguing back is like confronting psychosis. You will lose your peace, and you won’t feel good afterward. If your parents don’t do the work, if they don’t take accountability for anything, and if they can’t give you what you need, there is no point in reacting. It has been years of the same behavior, they might not change but you can change, you can focus on your boundaries and your growth.
Then you ask me, what do I do with all this anger that I feel inside if I can’t let it out on my parents? Do the inner work. Find support. Find a therapist that can help you process these feelings. Write a letter to that parent (but don’t send it). There are plenty of exercises that I teach my clients that can help relieve some of that anger. One of them is to write a letter and read it to an empty chair. Say everything you want to say. Really, let it out. I recommend having a therapist who understands childhood trauma to support you during this exercise.
Not taking their behaviors personally is the most difficult task. As you do the internal work and as you work hard in therapy you will notice that nothing they do is personal, even though it feels that way. It has always been about them this entire time. If they don’t have self-awareness they don’t know their shadows, if they have low self-esteem they will project their insecurities onto you, if they can`t deal with their own feelings including anger, they will not accept you fully, if they have personality disorder, they are incapable of putting themselves in other people`s shoes and they cannot self-regulate. They might see you as a role instead of seeing YOU. They see you as a role because they are stuck in their cloudy minds with wounds, fears, insecurities, and limitations.
What do you want to say no to?
Think for a moment, what do you want to say no to? If your parents ask you for a favor, want you to do what they want, live a life they want you to, or offer you something you don’t want, how can you tap into your internal NO. Because they are enmeshed, they don’t know what boundaries are and they don’t know what NO means. However, it’s not your job to teach them, your job is to simply say no when you want to say no and let them feel their feelings. They might feel hurt, but this is life. We can’t live life without disappointing others, this is part of living. Give yourself permission to disappoint your parents, it means you are growing. You are not responsible for their happiness; YOU WERE NOT BORN TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS HAPPY. You are here on this earth, to fulfill your life purpose, grow spiritually and emotionally, do the internal work, and choose and walk your path even if it means disappointing your parents.
You do not have to share everything, keep it superficial
A lot of people say, “But she is my mother, I have to tell her everything” or “But she is my mother, I feel bad hiding this from her”, or “I told my mom about my new promotion, but she doesn`t think I am competent enough”, “I told my father about my promotion at work and he only wants to know how much I make”, “I told my mom about some conflicts I am having at work and with my partner, and she judges me and says I am the cause of all of these problems, she doesn`t validate my feelings”, “My mother told everyone in my family how awful I am and she shared my intimate secrets”. So, if you decide to tell everything to your parents, know that there are risks. If your parents are dysfunctional, they might offer criticism, unsolicited advice and become dismissive. Keeping the conversations superficial is the basis of accepting the kind of relationship you have with them: a superficial relationship, THAT IS OK and that’s how it is. That’s what they can offer. They can’t give what they don’t have. Acceptance is the key.
Conclusion
There are so many other reflections I would like to provide, but this is a brief new and healthy mindset to develop. Building a healthy relationship with yourself first is the most important. If eventually the relationship with your parents evolves, it’s a bonus, but if it does not, it’s totally ok because you have the most important healthy relationship: with yourself. Setting boundaries from a firm and compassionate state is taking care of yourself.
If you want structured sessions and professional help with healing childhood trauma, feel free to contact me for a 20-minute consultation call or book an appointment to see how I might be able to help you.
