How Childhood Trauma Affects Adults Part 2

This is a continuation of the previous post regarding childhood trauma in adults. By the end of this post, you will learn if you were impacted by trauma growing up.

1-Triggers

We all have triggers, which are formed by past experiences, especially in childhood. Some are more traumatic than others. We are able to bounce back from some triggers, but other triggers, we just can’t, because it feels too deep.

Let’s say that you feel triggered by your boss who asks you to work late, assigns you more tasks beyond your scope, or messages you at 10 pm at night, then you start feeling angry, and your jaw clenches when you see their email. Well, this boss might be representing someone from the past, (a parent) or maybe a toxic behavior from a caregiver that affected you.

In summary, this boss might be triggering a vulnerable wound when you were violated growing up, when you had no voice, and when your boundaries were crossed over and over by an abusive parent. (This is just one example, but there could be more depending on the case).

2-People Pleasing & Lack of boundaries

Based on the example above, let’s say you start saying yes to your boss. They text you at 10 pm or on the weekends, you roll your eyes, your heart starts racing and you simply pick up the phone. Then, after that conversation, you feel icky, and you hate yourself for doing that. There are fears behind the reason why you picked up the phone, you probably felt scared and afraid that you might lose your job if you set a limit, perhaps the people-pleasing part of you says “If I don`t do this, I am afraid I will be a disappointment to others, they will see me as a failure, I will be abandoned and my image will be ruined, then I won`t be loved and I will be alone!!”.

In childhood, you needed to please to survive, this was a strategy for pure survival because as a kid you didn’t want to be alone and die. Every time you spoke up and said no, your parents punished you and probably left you alone, or you just didn’t want to be a burden because there were enough problems in the family already.

3-Defensiveness & Entitlement

Self-righteousness “I am right and everybody else is wrong”. Have you felt frustrated when some people simply cannot respect your boundaries, and they still try to cross them anyway? Those people believe that they own you and they can have access to you at any time – entitlement. Have you witnessed a customer at a retail store acting rude towards the staff and cursing the people helping them? That’s entitlement “I want it now; you have to do it my way!”. Now, shifting this dynamic within you, have you ever felt frustrated when you truly wanted something, and you couldn’t have it and then you became angry at the world? It’s a shadow.

An adult that has this trait very prevalent in their lives, as a child, their needs were not met properly, and they didn’t feel important. On the other hand, because their parents did everything that this child wanted (especially giving them material things), the child felt emotionally empty and disconnected– there is no adult around, I am all alone. These parents bought them love instead of giving them love.

4-Codependency

Signs of codependency: I care too much about what other people think. I am following what everybody else is doing because I don’t wanna be left out! Poor him, he is just having a bad day it`s ok that he hit me last night. If I leave her then I will be alone, and I prefer staying in A relationship than being on my own! I hate my partner so much, but I can`t live without them”, “She plays with my heart, but I can`t set limits, being alone is not an option for me”. Did you realize the push and pull? It feels addictive.  

When a child experiences neglect and chaotic relationships with their caregivers, unconsciously they grow up feeling as if this is normal. For example, a child thinks “I love my dad, but there`s some anxiety here, there`s something wrong I don`t know what it is, but I love him so much, I need him”. Because a child needs the parents to survive, they don’t have any choice to leave, and they can’t!  Now, adults reenact wounds in an attempt to resolve these issues and become more emotionally independent.

5-Loss of Identity and Sense of self

In family dysfunctions, the members take on roles to keep the homeostasis of the system. For example, the roles are the hero, the scapegoat, the lost child, the enabler, the peacemaker, the mascot, and the caretaker. Within this system, when you take a role you lose your identity, the dysfunction in the family sees you as a role, not who you truly are. In addition to that, maybe you question yourself Who am I? What do I like? What am I doing here? Why am I so disconnected from myself and others? I don`t like my career, I am just doing this because my father told me this is the quickest way to make money and here I am.

Growing up, if you were not stimulated to play, to be seen by your abilities and your joy, if you were that kid that mom said “Don`t do arts it doesn’t make money, you are going to marry and have kids, this is the right way”, then maybe you feel lost because as a kid your caregivers dictated your life for you and you might be carrying that legacy unconsciously.

6-Dissociation

If you forgot a good chunk of your life growing up, you might have dissociated from traumatic and painful experiences and that can be anything from abuse to neglect. Of course, I can’t say what it is by just simply writing this blog, but as I noticed in my practice over the years, when something happened in childhood that was very painful, your brain signals “SHUT DOWN forget this event it’s too much to deal with!” So, these dissociative parts made you forget what happened, they were just trying to help you and save you from being overwhelmed. These events could be excessive physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, and violence at home.

Conclusion

As you can see, I needed to write a little more about childhood trauma effects in adults and I still think that there’s much more to add to each symptom, so this was a brief explanation. If you’re wondering how you can heal these wounds and finish business with your past so you can recover your sense of self and become strong with your boundaries in the present, feel free to contact me for a 20-minute consultation call or book an appointment to see how I might be able to help you.