Childhood Trauma is Not an Excuse
Have you heard things like “I behave this way because I have childhood trauma, you have to understand where I come from” or “This is who I am, I was born in dysfunction so I will always be this way” or “I will never get over my trauma, it`s their fault”. Let’s examine how you can take charge of your life and be free from your past by acquiring a new mindset. FYI this is a straightforward and honest post.
Your Foundation is Not Your Fate
Good news. You are not doomed. Suppose you have childhood trauma and you grew up in dysfunction. In that case, it can feel as if you are destined to live in emotional pain forever, repeating the same behaviors, having the same experiences, and getting into abusive relationships over and over. However, you can change your future. There is still time to change your present. Your present self will thank your future self for making the necessary choices for your growth. I often see the lights come on when clients realize that they have agency over their lives. I often see clients making healthier partner choices as they evolve in therapy. I often see growth and confidence when clients realize that they are rewriting their stories.
Power of Choice
When you were little, you did not have any choice. You were trapped in trauma and despair. You couldn’t decide to leave a relationship. You were taught to obey and to be invisible. You were taught to be nobody. Nowadays, in adulthood, it might feel like you have no choices in challenging situations, you might feel like you are frozen or paralyzed and afraid to make the “wrong” decisions. The good news is that any decision you make is the right decision, why? Because it will lead you somewhere. Even if you make mistakes, you will learn from them. I like to say that they are not necessarily mistakes – they are experiences and growth opportunities – they add to your life. Even if you make no choice, you are still choosing to do nothing. As an adult, you have choices. You are choosing every day and every moment.
Personal Accountability
Have you heard the phrase “Your parents did the best they could” – their best does not mean good. I am not here to blame – even though it feels like blaming - I know that they are not perfect, just like nobody else is. We are all human; we have our flaws and limitations. However, we all need to be able to take accountability for our actions and develop the capacity for self-reflection. The difference between a dysfunctional or immature person vs a healthy person is the capacity for self-awareness, self-reflection, and taking personal responsibility. It is not your fault what happened to you, but it is your responsibility to do your own healing work.
Personal Healing
Personal healing is connected to what I mentioned above, it is EVERYONE`s responsibility to do their internal work. However, we cannot force people to do the work. We can only focus on ourselves. Doing the inner work means going to therapy, having a willingness to change, wanting to process childhood trauma and heal, and having the courage to face your demons. Going to therapy by itself will not solve all the problems if you are not open to doing the healing work. Therapy is teamwork. It is important to find a therapist that fits you and that has the qualifications and skills to help you. I understand that you might have had a traumatic childhood, and yet, it is your responsibility to heal it. We are all in the same boat. It is your job to take care of yourself and to make yourself happy.
Victim vs Creator
If we keep projecting onto others and blaming, we don’t grow. Blame and projection are defense mechanisms, it is very easy to pass the responsibility on to others, and it’s much more comfortable. If we investigate our projections and dive deep into them, we will find unconscious patterns from childhood that are driving our lives today. And once we become conscious of them, we can be empowered, we can change and co-create. It is more comfortable to be the victim because we don’t have to take any action, but we pay the price - we die inside. It is much harder to be in charge because it requires effort and courage to take action in difficult situations, but it is liberating. Victim mentality: stuckness, “life happens to me”, frozen. Creator mentality: Empowerment, freedom, and “I can handle this”.
Conclusion
It is so important to seek help to overcome trauma. I know for childhood trauma survivors asking for help can be another trigger, because it reflects on their needs not being important growing up. You probably associate asking for help as a sign of weakness “I have to do it all on my own”. However, as I mentioned in this post, childhood trauma is not an excuse and you can have a more empowered life now if you allow yourself.
If you have difficulty with childhood trauma that is affecting your present day-to-day life, you are not alone. Therapy can help.
If you want structured sessions and professional help with healing childhood trauma, feel free to contact me for a 20-minute consultation call or book an appointment to see how I might be able to help you.
