5 Ways to Survive the Holidays with Family
In the previous post I described 5 traits of a dysfunctional family and what happens during the holidays. So much stress! In this post, you will learn how to cope with family holiday stress by seeing different perspectives of the situation. Different thoughts, different you!
How to cope with high conflict and chaos?
When you witness yelling, cursing, and physical fights at the dinner table, and if you are being pulled into it, do not engage in the chaos and have your boundaries, keep yourself safe. You could say something like, “You know, I am not interested in this, I am going to step outside for a few minutes, when we are both calm, we can talk, I will be right back”. You can always leave, and you can have a curfew for yourself “Ok, I am done at 10 pm then I will go home or I will go to my room or I will sleep over at someone else`s place that feels safe”. Don`t try to calm the angry person, that`s not your job to regulate them, you don`t have to take care of them. Take care of yourself.
How to cope when others are being codependent?
For example, if your mother is lashing out or being passive-aggressive because you don’t visit enough, let her know of your boundaries and if she takes offense, that’s not on you. If she doesn’t listen, reinforce it again, but disengage after a while, otherwise it’s going to be a who has the last word type of situation. Know that codependence comes from a fear of being alone and enmeshment - loss of sense of self. There is nothing you can do that will fill the emptiness that your parents feel. Accept that you can’t make your parents happy, you can’t make your family happy. You are the only one responsible for your happiness.
How to cope with a lack of empathy coming from an abusive family member?
This is not about you. When someone cannot talk openly about feelings, avoids or dismisses you, I want you to know that this behavior speaks more about them than you. Some people are not capable of putting themselves in other people`s shoes, empathy is a foreign concept for them. Narcissistic personality disorders cannot access empathy, they are self-centered, and they will not change. We can’t teach empathy to others. Accept that you are dealing with people who are full of unresolved trauma and are emotionally immature, so it is not worth the fight.
How to cope with constant criticism?
Refrain from speaking about your entire life to your family, and engage in superficial talk. You can speak up “I don`t like the way you talk to me”. If they don’t listen, it means they don’t have the capacity for connection. What they do to you, they do it to themselves. Someone who is constantly picking on others disrupts the connection. They are missing out on the connection they could have with you. If they are closed off, you can’t connect.
How to cope with manipulation coming from an abusive sibling/parent/relative?
When a family member is manipulative, don’t believe what they say and find the truth within you. Ask yourself, what is true? What is true about me? What is true about this person? What is true about this situation? It’s very easy to get caught up in lies and distorted reality when someone gaslights you. Seek support, seek a therapist, a healthy partner, friends, and trusted people to talk to. Manipulation can disrupt the connection between your reality and your intuition. Take your power back to you. Nobody dictates your reality, but you.
Conclusion
These are ways that you can reframe your thoughts into different perspectives to care for yourself. I hope these tips are helpful for you to get through the holidays with family. Remember your truth, your family does not have power over you anymore - they did when you were a child - but now you can live your life. You can do this.
If you want structured sessions and professional help with healing childhood trauma, feel free to contact me for a 20-minute consultation call or book an appointment to see how I might be able to help you.
